Spanning The Globe To Bring You The Constant Variety Of Something Or Other

As NASCAR dusts off the cobwebs, Clint Bowyer shakes the cobwebs out of his head left over from last night’s Chiefs Super Bowl victory celebration, and everybody who’s anybody (or is at the least trying to become somebody) heads down to Florida who wasn’t there already, a few notes from the few things that are actually going on as the Daytona fortnight commences. And no, kiddies, this doesn’t involve playing Fortnite.

SiriusXM will serve as primary sponsor for Martin Truex Jr. this year in a handful of races. My unimpeachable sources – okay, I made them up – have informed me this agreement comes with several publicly undisclosed nuances, to wit:

— Car will randomly disappear at several points during the race, just like your SiriusXM signal every time a leaf blows by.

— Pit crew will have Howard Stern wigs stapled atop their helmets.

— First 10,000 fans will receive a free life-sized Claire B. Lang bobblehead! Don’t worry, it’ll still fit anywhere.

— Driver/crew radio communications will be available on a limited run channel, the exact channel number changing five times during each race stage.

— All crew members have been strongly cautioned to not accidentally tune into the Grateful Dead channel during the race, thus hopefully avoiding the dreadful error transpiring during a SiriusXM-sponsored race last year when the gas man filled the tank with Sunoco patchouli oil.

In other news, congrats to Christopher Bell on his recent nuptials.

As the cap’n says, stay tuned.